Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Stand By Your Man
(This one's going out to all the registered Democrats out there... )
Ring ring!
G: Hello?
D: Hey. It's me.
G: Hey there girlfriend! How's it going?
D: Not so good... I kind of got my leg blown off in Iraq.
G: Oh my God! That's horrible! How did that happen?
D: Well, it's that damned Bush. What a jerk.
G: What? Bush single-handedly organized and funded an invasion of Iraq? ... Are you sure there isn't anything else you want to tell me, D?
D: Well, I guess Kerry kind of voted for it. And, you know, Afghanistan. But he was only trying to be, like, bipartisan! He really is a nice, peace-loving guy who likes puppies and children and universal health care. You should hear the nice things he says to me on TV...
G: Hmm. If you say so, D. He sounds like a jerk to me. Anyone who would send you off to cluster-bomb a bunch of poor little brown kids on the other side of the world just to seize some oil wells doesn't sound like such a sweetheart to me.
D: You don't know him like I do. And besides, I really don't want to talk about it. It makes me nervous. Kerry's been listening in on a lot of my phone calls ever since he voted for the Patriot Act, and --
G: He's been WHAT? Listen, hon, I don't usually butt into other people's business, but you need to get yourself out of that relationship. That guy has been ignoring your needs, lying to you left and right, running around with big corporations behind your back, --
D: HE LOVES ME! He's way, WAY nicer than that asshole Bush! He's a GOOD MAN.
G: I don't think you really believe that, hon.
D: WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!? At least my man's ELECTABLE! He's going to take me to the White House with him once he's President!
G: Just like the last one, huh?
D: AL WOULD HAVE BEEN ELECTED IF YOU HADN'T RUINED EVERYTHING! YOU BITCH! Your man is a pathetic loser, and you're so jealous of me that you just want to sabotage my relationships!
G: Actually, I like Ralph. He and I see eye to eye on most things, and he's done a lot of good in his life. He's saved more lives than just about anyone I can think of. He's been effectively championing abortion rights since back in the day when your man Al was pro-life. But now, this isn't really about me and Ralph, is it?
D: If you two hadn't conspired against me and Al, everything would have been perfect! He and I were so in love... and now you're trying to do the same thing to my relationship with Kerry. Well, it's not going to work! I love him, and he loves me, and we're sticking together!
G: Babe, what are you so afraid of? There are so many great men out there... don't you think you could do better? You value things that most Americans agree with: a strong social safety net, health care for everyone, a living wage, reduced military spending... it would be easy for you to find a man who'd be willing to try to give you those things, instead of sticking with that creep --
D: No, it's not true! If I lose Kerry, no one will ever love me! I'll be stuck all alone in a world of Republicans!
G: Now that's just not true. I just told you, most people want the same things you do. If you dumped that jerk, guys would be lining up at your doorstep to court your vote. But you just keep selling yourself short, telling yourself you don't deserve even the slightest bit of respect from your candidate. That's not right. You let that guy walk all over you.
D: You're trying to ruin everything for me! You've always tried to ruin everything for me!
G: Actually, hon, I was out in the streets getting pepper-sprayed by cops and kicked by their horses trying to stop Kerry and his buddies from voting for the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, while you were sitting on your ass on the sofa, too scared to defend yourself. I was in the courts, fighting to preserve your basic civil rights when all you could do was rock in the corner in a fetal position, mumbling "We must support the President and the Attorney General in this time of crisis!" to yourself over and over again. I was out registering people to vote and organizing rallies for progressive causes and, yes, for the Democratic party back when you weren't even paying attention to politics. So from where I'm standing, I've done a whole lot more for you AND your party than you've ever done for yourself. All I'm asking you right now is to stand up for yourself before you lose everything: your job, your health, your freedom, and your self-respect. You have to do it sometime, or when are things ever going to get better?
D: SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! YOU'RE CRAZY! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IT'S AAALLLLLL YOOOOOUUUUUR FAAAAAUUUUULT! (hangs up violently, body wracked with sobs)
Ring ring!
G: Hello?
D: Hey. It's me.
G: Hey there girlfriend! How's it going?
D: Not so good... I kind of got my leg blown off in Iraq.
G: Oh my God! That's horrible! How did that happen?
D: Well, it's that damned Bush. What a jerk.
G: What? Bush single-handedly organized and funded an invasion of Iraq? ... Are you sure there isn't anything else you want to tell me, D?
D: Well, I guess Kerry kind of voted for it. And, you know, Afghanistan. But he was only trying to be, like, bipartisan! He really is a nice, peace-loving guy who likes puppies and children and universal health care. You should hear the nice things he says to me on TV...
G: Hmm. If you say so, D. He sounds like a jerk to me. Anyone who would send you off to cluster-bomb a bunch of poor little brown kids on the other side of the world just to seize some oil wells doesn't sound like such a sweetheart to me.
D: You don't know him like I do. And besides, I really don't want to talk about it. It makes me nervous. Kerry's been listening in on a lot of my phone calls ever since he voted for the Patriot Act, and --
G: He's been WHAT? Listen, hon, I don't usually butt into other people's business, but you need to get yourself out of that relationship. That guy has been ignoring your needs, lying to you left and right, running around with big corporations behind your back, --
D: HE LOVES ME! He's way, WAY nicer than that asshole Bush! He's a GOOD MAN.
G: I don't think you really believe that, hon.
D: WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!? At least my man's ELECTABLE! He's going to take me to the White House with him once he's President!
G: Just like the last one, huh?
D: AL WOULD HAVE BEEN ELECTED IF YOU HADN'T RUINED EVERYTHING! YOU BITCH! Your man is a pathetic loser, and you're so jealous of me that you just want to sabotage my relationships!
G: Actually, I like Ralph. He and I see eye to eye on most things, and he's done a lot of good in his life. He's saved more lives than just about anyone I can think of. He's been effectively championing abortion rights since back in the day when your man Al was pro-life. But now, this isn't really about me and Ralph, is it?
D: If you two hadn't conspired against me and Al, everything would have been perfect! He and I were so in love... and now you're trying to do the same thing to my relationship with Kerry. Well, it's not going to work! I love him, and he loves me, and we're sticking together!
G: Babe, what are you so afraid of? There are so many great men out there... don't you think you could do better? You value things that most Americans agree with: a strong social safety net, health care for everyone, a living wage, reduced military spending... it would be easy for you to find a man who'd be willing to try to give you those things, instead of sticking with that creep --
D: No, it's not true! If I lose Kerry, no one will ever love me! I'll be stuck all alone in a world of Republicans!
G: Now that's just not true. I just told you, most people want the same things you do. If you dumped that jerk, guys would be lining up at your doorstep to court your vote. But you just keep selling yourself short, telling yourself you don't deserve even the slightest bit of respect from your candidate. That's not right. You let that guy walk all over you.
D: You're trying to ruin everything for me! You've always tried to ruin everything for me!
G: Actually, hon, I was out in the streets getting pepper-sprayed by cops and kicked by their horses trying to stop Kerry and his buddies from voting for the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, while you were sitting on your ass on the sofa, too scared to defend yourself. I was in the courts, fighting to preserve your basic civil rights when all you could do was rock in the corner in a fetal position, mumbling "We must support the President and the Attorney General in this time of crisis!" to yourself over and over again. I was out registering people to vote and organizing rallies for progressive causes and, yes, for the Democratic party back when you weren't even paying attention to politics. So from where I'm standing, I've done a whole lot more for you AND your party than you've ever done for yourself. All I'm asking you right now is to stand up for yourself before you lose everything: your job, your health, your freedom, and your self-respect. You have to do it sometime, or when are things ever going to get better?
D: SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! YOU'RE CRAZY! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IT'S AAALLLLLL YOOOOOUUUUUR FAAAAAUUUUULT! (hangs up violently, body wracked with sobs)
